I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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