Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
