I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
