Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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