I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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