I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
