Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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