The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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