Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
