I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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