she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
