So drunk its hurt
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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