The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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