someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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