Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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