Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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