I heard we made out
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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