I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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