I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just gift wrapped bread.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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