I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
