perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
