Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
