I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my being single is dangerous.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
