Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
