walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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