So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i dont even know how to be here
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
