how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
