I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
