He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize