he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
