so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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