she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
