:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
