I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
