The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
