mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
