69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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