Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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