Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
