What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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