My brain says no but my pants say off.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
