I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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