Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
