I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
