Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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