I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
