she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Found the puke drawer
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Floor bacon is actually really good
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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