Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
