You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
