Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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